Bang your head! Metal Health'll drive you mad

I have struggled with mental health (depression and anxiety) over the last several years, and for some reason I feel compelled to tell the story. This is in part because (spoiler alert!) I am feeling alot better now, and because I know that there is no need to keep it a secret. There is a temptation to keep things under wraps, but perhaps others who are struggling may read this and get help. Don't let a real or imagined stigma prevent you from getting help.

So, my story follows below. It's all true, at least as much as I remember. Which brings me to my first topic.

The Persistence of Memory
I remember when I first started to lose my memory. Well, actually I don't remember, but I know that over 10 years ago I started to record facts in a document I called "Kevin's Memory". This is something not done by people who are comfortable in being able to remember. For a long time I could remember only some simple facts about when I was younger, but no subjective memories. I asked my family questions about what it was like growing up etc.

I recall a couple of years ago attending a parenting course with Anne. They divided the parents up according to birth order (i.e. first child, middle child etc.) so that we could discuss all of the similarities of experience when we were growing up. The point was that people of the same birth order often share the same experiences. Problem for me was that I couldn't describe what it was like to grow up. This is not a good thing.

In a strange twist of fate, my memory has come back. This summer over a two week period everything changed. I still can't explain it, but it has been a major part of my recovery. I don't recall everything, but I think I remember about the same amount that most people do of their childhood. It's hard to overestimate the importance of being able to remember your past.

Anxiety (17 pts in Scrabble or Great Discomfort)
While the problem with memory was strange it wasn't particularly uncomfortable. I didn't know that I was suffering from anxiety but I did know that I was having terrible and persistent stomach and back pain. For my stomach problems I saw several specialists and had lots of tests done with no result. I even saw (and paid) a Naturopathic doctor for a while, also to no avail.

The anxiety became more obvious when I had what I think of as a bit of a breakdown, but was really a serious attack of anxiety. I became overwhelmed, mainly with work, but with everything really. Fortunately this led to me being referred to a psychotherapist which definitely helped for a while. The help was offset, unfortuntely, by the roughly $7000 it cost because it wasn't covered by OHIP (talk about anxiety).

What I was diagnosed with was Generalized Anxiety Disorder which is basically a state where you are constantly in a heightened state of stress. Muscles tighten up, breath becomes shallow, and even minor difficulties amplify these effects. Not fun, as you might imagine.

After about a year, I decided to keep my money and try to work things out myself.

The Not-So-Great Depression
A little before, and during the time where James was born (about 5 1/2 years ago) the anxiety returned. The anxiety and the persistent, frustrating and serious back pain really got to me over time, and depression was piled on top of the anxiety.

While anxiety is difficult and frustrating, depression is hell. For a long time few things could make me happy, and I was always feeling very negative thoughts. I lost interest in things that had given me satisfaction, and I felt that my life pretty much sucked. Looking at it now (and before then) I would say that by any objective measure I am very fortunate and life doesn't suck.

One other key aspect of depression was doubt. It's hard to admit when you have depression. It feels as though feeling crummy is a normal thing that all people feel. Who am I to suggest that I deserve to feel any better than others have the right to feel. It also feels as though a constant state of unhappiness is perhaps some kind of personality flaw. A feeling characterized by thoughts like "If I'm unhappy it is because of who I am and the choices I've made in my life". Another very frustrating symptom was a difficulty in concentrating and focusing on things.

This got bad enough a few years ago that the doubt was overcome by a certainty that there was a problem. I went to my doctor and insisted that I need help. I don't want to think about what life would be like had I not done that. Fortunately I never actually wanted to commit suicide, but I knew that it could get to that, and it was on my mind. Healthy people generally don't spend much time thinking about this kind of thing.

I was referred to a psychiatrist, and I accepted something I had resisted to that point - anti-depressant medication. There was an immediate effect, but the dose had to be increased several times as the benefits seemed to wear off after a while. The medication I am on is called Effexor and it treats both depression and anxiety. There are a few side effects, but I feel very fortunate to have been able to benefit from its effects overall.

I saw a series of psychiatrists, psychotherapists and psychoanalysts over the last few years. Most of them pretty bad at their job, in my humble opinion. One, who I saw for nearly a year, suggested that I take up smoking weed to relax. I'm not so put out that he was recommending something illegal, but I later found out that marijuana creates bad side-effects with the medication that I was on (and that he prescribed). Fortunately I didn't take him up on it.

My most recent doctor (a psychoanalyst) has been great, and I've been feeling very well for the last 6 months or so. Even to the point that we decided I can take a break from therapy for a while. I will return within the next six months or so to start working on reducing my medications.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!
The causes of bad periods of depression (or anxiety) were not always obvious, and likewise it isn't entirely clear why things have gotten better, but there are a few things that have really seemed to help.

Whether the mysterious restoration of memory was caused by improvements in my symptoms or whether a renewed interest in my past helped to improve the symptoms I may never know, but they undoubtedly are related.

During the time where I didn't feel well I fell out of touch with many friends. I have, over the past 6 months sought out to reestablish many of these connections, with great success so far. I have (had) been a very social person and focusing alot on social interaction has had profound effects.

By coincidence, the period where this improvement really began occurred right around the same time many people signed up for Facebook. It has made reestablishing contact with old friends incredibly easy, and I believe that the many times I have gotten together with friends in the last six months (and even the last week) can be directly attributed to Facebook. It has also inspired me to source out old pictures from my family and friends which has further helped with my memory. Professionally it has helped also in that it has made me want to explore more of the new online technologies and services which can only help in my job (since knowing that stuff really kind of is my job).

I'd Like To Thank ...
I'm very fortunate that I am surrounded by people who have been very understanding during this time. First but not least is my wife Anne. Living with someone suffering from depression, in particular, is not easy. It has definitely created challenges for us in our marriage, but she has been great. We attended marriage counseling last year for a while, not because we were at any great risk of splitting up, but we saw that it needed work and we were enduring challenges that required some extra attention. I'm very thankful to her for everything.

I have also received a great deal of understanding from my work, in particular, Pat, Silva and Jason. Thanks alot guys! Thanks also to all those old friends who didn't disown me after years of silence.

What Now?
Unfortunately, one of the things I have learned about depression it that it has a tendency to come back, possibly when you least expect it. I am expecting this struggle to be a long-term one, if not a lifetime. Fortunately I now know not to ignore it or to assume that it is nothing (or a personality flaw), and that it isn't something to be embarrassed by or ashamed of. I know to seek help and I will. I have also learned to not accept a bad psychiatrist. If someone seems like there not a good fit, they may not be and there's nothing wrong with asking to be referred to someone else.

I also have learned that social contact is critical to my well being. There was a time that I looked fondly back on my very social younger years (which I still do) but I thought that they were a thing of the past now that I have grown up and have a family etc. I may not be able to stay out quite as late, or drink quite as much as I used to, but I can still enjoy a good social life. And good friends remain good friends no matter how long it has been since I've hung out with them.

A Final Note
I read a book called Against Depression which combats the stigma of depression and offers a good commentary on the history of how depression and those who suffer it has been regarded by society. One interesting thing that it points out is that some (though it can't be many) have argued against curing depression on the grounds that our society would have missed out on great works of art and literature had depression not existed. We might not have had great paintings from Van Gogh, music from the likes of Mozart or literature from the likes of Ernest Hemingway (not sure if he was depressed but you get the idea). I find this position absolutely absurd. At what cost did these works come to society?

Anyway depression sucks. Anxiety sucks nearly as much, and I hope you never have to suffer from either. If you do, or suspect that you do, don't wait. Get help. I did. There wasn't a quick fix, but I feel great today and I'll take this feeling over how I felt a couple of years ago any day of the week.

If you're having troubles and want to talk about any of this, send me an email or give me a call. I'm happy to discuss in more detail.

BTW - I don't have the rights to use any of the images featured here but I'm trying not to stress about it.